Recipe: Uncle Ixbal’s Scale Parasite Stir-Fry

Ingredients (serves two)
5 or 6 good-size scale parasites, dead
1 Tablespoon Virgin Olive Oil (very important that it’s virgin)
1 Jar Uncle Ben’s Sweet and Sour with Extra Pineapple Sauce
2 Carrots, chopped
1 Stick celery, sliced
Pinch of dried mouse entrails to taste

1: First take your scale parasites and pull them out of their carapace. You can do this with your bare hands but the job can be done more quickly using your eye gouger. A medium size eye gouger (the kind you’d use on dogs, swine or small children) works best.
2: Heat the virgin olive oil over a high heat in a small cauldron or large wok. When oil is slightly smoking, pop your parasites in, and stir.
3: When the grey goop around the parasites has evaporated and they’re starting to brown, add the carrots, celery and sauce. Keep stirring and cook for the amount of time recommended on the jar. At the last minute, before serving, add the entrails, crumbling them between your fingers, claws or tentacles to get a fine pepper-like powder.
4: Serve with brown rice. It’s better for you.